Disappearing act (You don’t say goodnight)

We haven’t spoken for weeks.

You act like it’s been hours.

You have no idea how you rob me.

I deserve better but I can’t find a replacement for the thought of you in my mind.

We speak cheerful – flirt every time.

We speak with a lover’s intimacy but the frequency of a near-stranger,

And it makes me feel like shit.

I always hold myself back for your benefit.

I don’t want to scare you away.

I’ve done that before and we haven’t talked for months –

You’re a seasoned ghost it seems.

We can go all out on the sex talk

(my hands always become yours –

you still look at my pictures and get yourself there)

but if I dare tell you the truth –

That I care for you so much it makes my heart ache.

I’d be struck off.

Whenever you get in touch and then go, I always find myself wishing my tablets would let me cry more readily.

It builds up like a plaque and drains me from the brain to the stomach.

I haven’t felt like this since teen was at the end of my age and I just want to share it with you.

I feel ridiculous.

My feelings spent on you – such a waste.

But it isn’t,

Because I can’t spend them on anyone else.

We’d fit so right if you’d let me anywhere near you.

You make my face drop for hours and I can’t lift it.

The room darkens and I have nightmares about feeling lost and inadequate.

This sadness makes me ill.

You strip me of my wellness with your constant absence.

Half an hour chat – where you wave intimacy in my face,

I’m fine on my own, when you leave me alone for long periods –

A little lonely, I dwell a bit but not a lot. Not too much.

You live in that radio silence.

I feel violently deprived,

When you leave,

And you do.

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