Let’s get down to business

“Pitch to me Dave, what have you got?”

“I’ve got a gambling problem and athlete’s foot but I’m the most generous guy you’ll meet.”

“Noted, your turn Simon- what can you offer?”

“Good news- lovely curvy dick. Bad news- I’m tightfisted and I only brush my teeth when I feel like it.”

“OK thanks, Gary- give it to me.”

“I’m a tongue magician, but I describe myself as a tongue magician.”

“Lovely, now – Fred please.”

“I’ll make you feel small because I feel inadequate. I’ll guilt trip you constantly for the slightest mistake and make backhanded comments in front of your friends, but I have a sexy accent and I regularly get my crack waxed so I’m smooth as a silken arsehole.”

“Great, now Harry – please present yourself.”

“You’ll never trust me and I can’t commit, I’ll beat around the bush for years before ultimately disappointing you time and again, but I can be a trophy husband – everyone’ll be jealous of you and my incredible jawline.”

“Nice. Now, Pete?”

“Thanks boss, I’m funny and gentle, loyal like a labrador but I make love like a worm that’s been cut in half.”

“OK – Jeff?”

“I’m the most intelligent shit you’ll see- I have an answer for everything and you’ll never see me not smug, except for the point of orgasm which I can only reach if you prick the soles of my feet with a needle.”

“Thanks. Now Warren?”

“I’m a homophobe and a racist but boy, do I have a nice thick neck. And great table manners.”

“Excellent, thanks for your presentations everyone. I’ll consider you for the position and you should hear back within a couple of days or when I can be arsed. Thanks for your time fellas.”

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