Thanks Pretend animals

I’ve been particularly unwell recently, I had a really bad cold/ fluey symptoms on top of my usual issues you know and it sort of stripped me of the little things I can usually have the option of doing because I was just laid in bed sweating yknow.

I felt isolated and bored as well as sick, and it just rubbed the bad feelings around and they sunk in further for a few days, to the point where I could feel that I was physically improving in terms of my illness but still couldn’t get up properly because of the characteristic heaviness of my mental health issues.

I felt like all the calories of energy I had were being used on the heart-beating basics as dramatic as it sounds, and in feeling bitterly unhappy and lost.

I guess I’m trying to figure out how I came out of it, the visible wilting of my mum (brought on largely because of my wilting) led to me gathering the energy from somewhere to put some clothes on and let her drive me to the supermarket to get some earphones. While there, I bought myself a My Little Pony colouring book as well and some new gel pens, ha.

I don’t watch My Little Pony, but I find them quite adorable and full of friendship and sweetness and I like colouring them in because it makes the hours go past gently, especially when I can do little else.

Also, a friend of mine – I lived with him at uni, we had a sort of inside joke about them that developed into them just reminding me of laughing and someone giving a shit I suppose, and that’s a nice restful way to feel. 🙂

Marble

I’m back,

What to say.

Don’t really know where I’m at, I’m definitely tired though.

Here, let me write for you.

Bang something out just here,

Talking of a

“Heavy wisp in a body,

Fast mind and slow hands,

Head slipping molten off it’s crux,

Rolls, metal orb along the floor and down the stairs to wilderness,

Pulled through the bottom layer of floor and foundation

Bolts into core to blissful heat”

– It’s mediocre but it’s something.

Hero

I’m not held back by the lack of moonlight – the fireflies guide me even though I’m unnerved by their flutter. When the fireflies die, as they’re bound to – I’ll follow the sound of the Wolf and the trickle of the night river – streaming over land so cold and dense it sucks the life out of living things that lay on it. I’ll shiver in my armour against the rocks inside the cave. I’ll crawl through unending night to find a beacon no one believes exists until I reach it and set the fire.

species

These words are just clicks and squeaks and growls, telling you I want you.

This keyboard and the one on my phone are sticks in a termite hill, are feathers in my tail, and what I really want is for us to grab each other and bond and fuck for a few years, maybe longer, if you like.

All in the amygdala (and in the world). Spreading the word about the internet community “the red pill” and it’s effect on actual living humans. Content warning: abuse, PTSD, the red pill

I just saw on article about “the red pill” shared by The Body Is Not An Apology on my Facebook feed and my body went limp around my over laboured heart as the violence came flooding back.
It was difficult to write this post, had to lay on my side and practice breathing slowly and with conviction.

When people make fun of content warnings and safe spaces it reeks of a lucky life untouched by trauma and the after effects and it quite heavily annoys me as it undermines my experience of life as someone with PTSD. Either that or they’re just ignorant of the meaning and purpose of procedures that help preserve people’s choice to be exposed, or not, to content that might make them go to a scary place.

If you don’t know what the red pill is, the article is here. I haven’t read it because I can’t but I trust the source that shared it, The Body is Not an Apology.  (NB: If you need a resource I would recommend this website and it’s affirmations of “radical self-love”.)

When I get like this I have to assert my own worth to myself as my body aches and tires from the vivid muscle memory of abuse.

The doctrine of the red pill is one of dehumanisation and allows people to be humiliated, manipulated and mistreated at the hands of people they should be able to feel safe with- intimate partners. It creates a place where boastful discussion of abuse is met with applause and fraternal approval, and it normalises disturbing notions and behaviour.

I’ve had to talk about it in therapy before but I feel it is widely unknown about even by professionals in mental health, I’ve had to explain what it is more than once to counsellors.

Anyway, I suppose I want people to know about the damage things like this can cause because the Internet and groups that form or congregate there are part of our real life and they have real life consequences on real life brains and bodies and the daily lives of human beings.

I feel vulnerable writing this so I just want to do a little heart to share the love ❤ . Remember that your worth is not affected by the things you suffer through.

H x

P.S. The amygdala is the place in the brain that is responsible for fight/flight and freeze responses, it sort of processes trauma and makes your body act and feel as if you are in a dangerous situation even if you are not.

It does this by recognising flags such as particular sights or sounds that remind one of previous experiences of trauma and fear. It works to help us survive but it’s response is often unneeded and excessive in the case of PTSD.

Night of the clubbing dead

Dream of viciousness and feeling lost.

Dream of bending over edges in high places and short skirts.

Dream of dark skies hiding neon colours in bricked rectangles.

Dream of bony fingers just clinging to their hinges, finding their way towards your mouth. Sucking them is accompanied by the very real fear that they might come off and you’ll be holding them between your lips.

Dream of violent altercation over who pissed on the floor, queue staying stubbornly intact all the while, through angry eyebrows and raised voices, a slammed door and a tut.

Dream of being summoned out with an arm in the air, giving a hateful glare but still having to traipse home with aching nubs for feet and never actually getting there.