Break-up blow-down

“It’s been a little time,

I’ve had a little think.

I don’t think I want you.”

He said with a wink.

“I’ve had a little time,”

He went a little pink,

“I have found another love,

I’ve made another link.

I know that you love me,

I know your soul may sink,

But this is the right way my love.”

He gave a gormless blink.

She looked back upon him,

Her eyes they made no wink,

Her face was stony stillness,

Mouth open, petal pink,

He deflated her that evening,

Pushed under the bed,

Bored with shagging blow-up dolls,

He cut a hole in Ted.

Click

I press my breasts together and I look at the result – I click.

I pout gently, just a bit – I click.

I click into a place where we share space, where I can see you looking back at me instead of my own wanton face in the square.

I’d like you in the curves of my body, I’d like you in the curls of my hair.

scrape

balderdash scraped away

hiding underneath is red and squishy

sandpaper lover

rolling in the fibres

hiding underneath, wiped out

fingermarks through the sawdust

and i see your eyes beneath

and i hold you and we sleep

I feel like a real person with you

Love,

clothed in walls and “take care of yourself”

Shared experience of a shared body,

Moments where I see your face change with pleasure, flicker through my vision,

It flits in my underwear and makes somewhere behind my eyes heavy.

Of course I still think of others sometimes, I’m no liar.

A new love reminds me of old ones, other intimacies that came and went, people whose bodies fitted differently with mine than yours does,

The comparative instinct draws me into worry, that our blossoming intimacy isn’t what it was with him or her, how should it be?

You’re so gentle with me, and I see real emotion in your eyes, feel real feelings in your touch.

Slippery

Slippery

One of the only fun things is the idea of your tongue in my mouth,

It’d be such a relief to feel alive for a change.

To feel like what I am, instead of a stony-bodied husk.

Too tired and sick of it to feel anything, too stressed to do anything but rest.

Too drained for the admin of life, brushing my teeth I’m bored.

Unentertainable, vacuous.

Sticking straight face, trapped behind.

My soul exhales in a sick of it sigh.

Deadened nerves, my sensation is always a low one.

Deadweight – I can’t even be bothered to lift.

Tears can’t come out, unless I’m drunk, but that hurts my throat and my head, the sweetness makes me nauseous.

I suppose it’s a bit of despair – how unattractive, not like I give a shit, sick of it – like I said.

Slouch

Wish I could summon something cheery right now,

But it’s drab and I feel empty.

I could do with some cuddles and a soft loving fuck.

Fuck me out of my numbness. I can’t even laugh.

I could just turn the light on, don’t know if I have the energy.

 

Music I’ve been loving lately – Syd and Ray Blk

I just thought I’d share a post about some of the music I’ve been listening to lately, I tend to revolve in the same musical space for quite a while because I just get so happy existing there. Also, just a note, I write about two artists here, but I give them quite unequal word time, that’s for no real reason, other than the fact that I’m just quite unmeasured and if it flows for longer then I just let it 🙂 .

Listening to new artists, although exciting, is not always something I’m in the mood for. It’s a bit like starting a new TV series, having to get to know all new characters and story-lines etc. I like to find media I wash myself in to be of comfort, that’s why I like familiarity a lot of the time, or perhaps I’m a bit lazy in this department.

I have to be in a very particular mood to start listening to a new album for example.

Anyway, I’m rambling. Let’s go:

  • Syd’s most recent album – Fin

I love Syd’s vocals, attitude and stage presence – she oozes sex appeal for me and makes music that I want to move to. Her music could so easily be the soundtrack to eye-fucking someone on the dance-floor, letting the darkness and the drink make you liquid.

I particularly like Dollar Bills, Know, Body and All About Me.

It’s such a smooth album, that really wraps you up in it.

  • Ray Blk’s – Durt

I keep coming back to Ray Blk – I first heard her sing 5050 and it just made me look for more of her work. It just sounded like it might have been some old classic that I was failing to recognise and I was surprised to find it was an original song – I’m not sure what felt familiar about it, but the point is – I loved it.

I love her candour. And the emotion she conveys so gracefully in her voice, I find the content of a lot of her songs to be so touching and real.

My favourite songs from “Durt” are My Hood and Gone (which features Wretch 32) – Chill Out is also so listenable.

Talk To Me and 2am are also great tracks that I listen to on repeat.

Her voice is so expressive of pain and sometimes bleakness, but she combines it with touches of lightness and humour. Her references to pop-culture really make them real by setting the lyrics in time, the details paint such a vivid image for me.

The first verse of 2am shows that detail perfectly:

 ” […] no no, cartoons on the telly,

cold spaghetti in my belly.

I laugh loud, nobody can hear me,

Zoidberg, Carlsberg, I’m feeling merry”

I appreciate the rhymes and half-rhymes and the lonely picture she paints with humour. That clarity of bringing the scene to life, I think, is a real skill.

Also, I love it in Talk To Me when she says “Hope you hit it last, Kanye not Ray J” – I find it really beautiful and candid, by using this image – she expertly avoids cliche and to be honest, it kinda gets my heart a bit. On top of that, as in a lot of her songs, the pace of her deliverance propels things forward so pleasantly and with such great rhythm.

Candour, honesty and directness are things I admire and love to hear so much in music, the personas in her songs speak a kind of truth I find really emotive, she shows us so many things at once, her vulnerability, her sexuality and her drive, as well as her creativity in expressing those feelings.

I just love her story-telling basically and the effortlessly cool frame in which she places it, and now I’m gonna stop gushing, it’s feels a bit out of character, haha.

I just love hearing complex female voices in music and Ray Blk and Syd, I feel, give us just that.

H

 

Camera eye

Sometimes I see other people’s faces on their profile pic here and I feel a little, not jealous, exactly, but like I want to put my picture up so people can see me,

Why is that?

I’m not sure.

I think it gives such a nice personal touch, and as a reader, and a consumer of other people’s words – I enjoy putting a face to a poem.

Watching someone perform a poem can be really moving, it can be great and I’d love to have the confidence to do such a thing.

However, how would I grasp on to my anonymity then?

I know what I’ve written and published. I know every poem and I imagine that sometime Auntie Margaret might see it or someone who doesn’t particularly like me maybe, may get them up to have a nice laugh.

“Jason, have a look at this. She’s talking about masturbation again- silly cow, what a dirty fingerer.

What makes people like that? Is she an exhibitionist or something?

That must be why she never leaves the house, eh.”

“Huh huh huh – you are funny Janice, I’m glad I married you. You do make a good quip. Now come and sit on me thumb.”

Hahaha – see, how am I supposed to write my poems and look you in the camera eye?

I could just stop being vulgar and disgusting.

Nah.