The gentle breath of digital cogs wheels me on, whirrs me into so-called productivity.
It’s the hardware really, I work with an old, well-used machine.
My feed is not an echo chamber – sometimes there are things there that make me sad and ashamed. I can’t always engage because I don’t have all the time in the world.
The hostility that might meet me would drain me of my life blood.
The electric runs through these wires, provides a receptacle and a dispenser for hate that’s displayed in my screen – I read it, my eyes take it into my heart and I learn again the state of the world and what we’re dealing with.
A bloody tradition defended so viciously by people who are made of delicate flesh and bone.
Why do you, a creature of blood, yearn for the spilling of an innocent?
Why do you defend the cruelty of those that would tear you apart if you were in a different body?
Tight metal joints
I crawled through
thorns to be with me
Heart muscle ribbons
flutter in the wind
My eyes catch the light,
it’s rays jut through my brain,
decorate my perception
I unfold my limbs and glide onward
A tiring limpness tempers me, I glide onward.
It’s not that far away but the whirr of the train tires me, the noise of the crowd, tickets, barriers, rush, the thought of the drunken tits on the way back, it tires me. Second quick train – the wait, the seeking out orange numbers on light up boards, following rows, “Is that mine?” “Which platform?”
So that when I get to you, all I can do is rest, rest in your arms and worry about the way back.
My stomach churns a tune and you listen
I stroke your m-shaped head
Uncurl your lip
Soften that threat-poise
I wrestle you down in front of the crowd
Sheath your scissor teeth
Light fingers shut your vice-mouth gentle
Become the cubs I know you are
One of the only fun things is the idea of your tongue in my mouth,
It’d be such a relief to feel alive for a change.
To feel like what I am, instead of a stony-bodied husk.
Too tired and sick of it to feel anything, too stressed to do anything but rest.
Too drained for the admin of life, brushing my teeth I’m bored.
Sticking straight face, trapped behind.
My soul exhales in a sick of it sigh.
Deadened nerves, my sensation is always a low one.
Deadweight – I can’t even be bothered to lift.
Tears can’t come out, unless I’m drunk, but that hurts my throat and my head, the sweetness makes me nauseous.
I suppose it’s a bit of despair – how unattractive, not like I give a shit, sick of it – like I said.
How does one enjoy life?
Is anyone enjoying this?
There’s so much noise,
Too many thoughts,
Too little comfort.
Pleasure’s a slippery customer.
I feel 5 out of 10 most times.
Slow days, dragging my weight through them.
Do I enjoy being in bed?
I think it’s just an escape from the noise.
I’m still stressed but at least I’m comfy here
– sort of.
The illusion of nothing to do.
Wish I could summon something cheery right now,
But it’s drab and I feel empty.
I could do with some cuddles and a soft loving fuck.
Fuck me out of my numbness. I can’t even laugh.
I could just turn the light on, don’t know if I have the energy.