Honest dating profile

I just want someone to sleep with in both ways. Someone with whom a love can grow happily – with neither one of us shouldering more burden than the other. I don’t want to labour or suffer for you. I want to easily please you and to be easily pleased in return. In you hands, I want to feel my restlessness lift away and leave me. I want to exercise vulnerability and not resilience. I want to feel no restraint, only joy, as I lie with you fondly and feel gladdened by your heavy presence, your lion-gentle breath.

Let’s get down to business

“Pitch to me Dave, what have you got?”

“I’ve got a gambling problem and athlete’s foot but I’m the most generous guy you’ll meet.”

“Noted, your turn Simon- what can you offer?”

“Good news- lovely curvy dick. Bad news- I’m tightfisted and I only brush my teeth when I feel like it.”

“OK thanks, Gary- give it to me.”

“I’m a tongue magician, but I describe myself as a tongue magician.”

“Lovely, now – Fred please.”

“I’ll make you feel small because I feel inadequate. I’ll guilt trip you constantly for the slightest mistake and make backhanded comments in front of your friends, but I have a sexy accent and I regularly get my crack waxed so I’m smooth as a silken arsehole.”

“Great, now Harry – please present yourself.”

“You’ll never trust me and I can’t commit, I’ll beat around the bush for years before ultimately disappointing you time and again, but I can be a trophy husband – everyone’ll be jealous of you and my incredible jawline.”

“Nice. Now, Pete?”

“Thanks boss, I’m funny and gentle, loyal like a labrador but I make love like a worm that’s been cut in half.”

“OK – Jeff?”

“I’m the most intelligent shit you’ll see- I have an answer for everything and you’ll never see me not smug, except for the point of orgasm which I can only reach if you prick the soles of my feet with a needle.”

“Thanks. Now Warren?”

“I’m a homophobe and a racist but boy, do I have a nice thick neck. And great table manners.”

“Excellent, thanks for your presentations everyone. I’ll consider you for the position and you should hear back within a couple of days or when I can be arsed. Thanks for your time fellas.”

String of self

I just typed in “you”, searching for YouTube and “you are an experienced monk” came up in my recent searches.

Bewildered, I remembered that I’m not the same person as I was when I searched for that.

I had different priorities clearly.

I’ve remembered now, what it was about, and that’s a line of continuity that runs through past and present me.

The self is more brittle than it seems.