A-buzz

I’m doing well I suppose,

I remember worse times, the worst,

Running on empty vessels as all the blood went to my brain, and my heart and made me a-buzz with fear and haste and agitation for months.

When I stood shaking in the shower, feeling odd in my own body, feeling strange behind the glassy plastic.

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Shower (the strain of the mundane)

I’m sat on the shower floor, watching Peep Show through the glass.

My breath and the steam misting the panel.

I’m glad I don’t have to rush.

People are out.

Periodically the water goes cold,

Not freezing, just cold enough to be uncomfortable.

I wait it out.

When it’s hot again I feel blessed.

My hair goes from brown to black in the water – curls fight against the water’s weight.

I’m exhausted when I get out.

I lie on the bed in my towel – aching.

The labour of pulling a comb through curls combines with that need to distract myself from tiring thoughts.

That, in itself, is tiring.

I’m wiped out but I did something today and so I feel accomplished.

In a minute, when I’ve come round I’ll eat something-

Then I’ll have done something else.

I’ve learnt that struggling is normal, and I’m glad for that.

It helps me come to terms with my life sometimes.

And I will improve, I’ve improved so much already.