String of self

I just typed in “you”, searching for YouTube and “you are an experienced monk” came up in my recent searches.

Bewildered, I remembered that I’m not the same person as I was when I searched for that.

I had different priorities clearly.

I’ve remembered now, what it was about, and that’s a line of continuity that runs through past and present me.

The self is more brittle than it seems.

Nutcracker

This is a screenshot of a message I got last night from someone I’ve never spoken to. I’ve expertly doctored it as you can see, using the stickers available on my phone, it was either that or a snowman, so I used the nutcracker.

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Yes, I wrote “empathetic” in my profile. Do I care if he doesn’t recognise it as a word? No.

Was I mean to him in that message I sent before blocking him? Yes. But I think he deserved it for angering me.

I like language, and as a teenager maybe I was more of a pedant with punctuation and grammar and vocabulary than I am now. I think I’ve grown up and I no longer see the point in “correcting” people.

All he was doing by introducing himself and the conversation in that way was trying to belittle me and I won’t be belittled by a nutcracker.

I just feel that, unless someone is using offensive slurs or really appropriative or inappropriate language, let them be. Simple mistakes or a little bit of creativity shouldn’t make people feel the need to try and chop people up.

Making words fit for what you need them for is fine, I reckon. That’s how new words come about and without change and growth, language would become stagnant.

For the record, I was saying in my profile, in the I’m really good at section: “Being empathetic and non-judgemental :).” Sympathetic didn’t feel right, so I wrote empathetic and that’s not a crime nutcracker, so stop cracking my nuts.

Also, “joke practice”, srsly? 😉

P.S. Just found this:

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Not a fantastic picture, but it says:

Empathetic:

of, relating to, or characterised by empathy, the psychological identification with the feelings, thought or attitudes of others:

a sensitive, empathetic school counsellor.

Ha.

P.P.S – Also, I don’t know this guy’s intention, it felt accusatory and annoying but, if it was an opener, just a note – I hate when people try and start an argument as an opener – but that’s a post for another day maybe.

Soothing dimness of a laptop screen with the brightness settings down – a note to a laptop

Gentle cool light holds me and I hold it.

We can be so supportive of each other now, symbiotic.

You can be a crutch and a confessional catalyst for my catharsis,

You can be a listening ear in the dead-time night,

You can be glorious opportunity to throw my words out into the canal and receive them back, so quick, so elegant.

You, the same machine that crushed me with your thousand emails of things I hadn’t done,

You were my labouring into heavy nights of swimming lights and streams of bitter words I didn’t feel proud of,

You were a reminder of my failing to connect, but even then, when my facebook was a social minefield and my emails were a never-willingly-visited place,

You’d let me watch your screen and fade to black, “Are you still watching?” You’d ask.

Of course I am, you absolute foolish rectangle.

species

These words are just clicks and squeaks and growls, telling you I want you.

This keyboard and the one on my phone are sticks in a termite hill, are feathers in my tail, and what I really want is for us to grab each other and bond and fuck for a few years, maybe longer, if you like.

Click

I press my breasts together and I look at the result – I click.

I pout gently, just a bit – I click.

I click into a place where we share space, where I can see you looking back at me instead of my own wanton face in the square.

I’d like you in the curves of my body, I’d like you in the curls of my hair.