This is what I have written.

This is what I have made – and it made little difference.

This is what I have made – little difference.

This is what I have made.

This is what I have.

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Marble

I’m back,

What to say.

Don’t really know where I’m at, I’m definitely tired though.

Here, let me write for you.

Bang something out just here,

Talking of a

“Heavy wisp in a body,

Fast mind and slow hands,

Head slipping molten off it’s crux,

Rolls, metal orb along the floor and down the stairs to wilderness,

Pulled through the bottom layer of floor and foundation

Bolts into core to blissful heat”

– It’s mediocre but it’s something.

A landscape built at ten past midnight

Rolling hills, grassy carpet daisy-dotted,

Teletubby land but without the disturbing lion and bear who were the fear of all kids born in the nineties,

A vegan KFC plopped in the middle provides ethical nourishment in the land of Bedfordshire,

Red and white tiles, but we’re in England, not America – I assume.

And I can sit on the floor it’s that clean, just in the corner where I like it.

Cake and custard for afters and you don’t have to pay, obviously, because who pays for things in dreamlands.

My poems follow themes and the themes follow days and moods

Last night I yearned,

This night I loved – that love was directed at myself and sprung from feeling a little vulnerable and finally being able to have a hot bath after weeks of cold water.

I wrote 18 poems on the first night,

I wrote about 4 just now.

Because I feel the love for myself tonight, I’m letting myself sleep 14 poems early.

The soft reality of night

If I just turn my laptop off and try to sleep, maybe I’ll stop feeling like a kitten lost in a forest as I type into the white beacon in the shrinking darkness. My shoulders won’t feel so cold and vulnerable if I lay down on them.

If I just lie down horizontal, my feelings won’t fall out, the room won’t be able to hold me in it’s bitter hand, I’ll sink into rest and feel better in the morning and I won’t be able to actively wonder if you’re thinking of me.

It’s been nearly 6 months

It’s been almost 6 months since I started posting on here – and I just thought I’d do a little post to mark it.

I still love doing this – it’s one of the only things I genuinely enjoy, as bleak as that sounds, haha.

But, I’m still amazed about how different the writing experience can be day to day and post to post.

Sometimes I write so much in a day, that I feel awkward posting everything I’ve written and have to let them bleed out gently over the next few days or weeks, and other days the mine is empty and I either don’t touch this at all, or I edit something I’ve done previously.

I wrote a 100 and odd word poem in about 15 minutes this afternoon (it is a bit of a silly one mind, just something sort of playing with rhyme, with a nursery rhyme sort of rhythm), but this morning I was thinking today was gonna be one of those days where I just feel like the blankest blank as soon as I open my laptop. I also had an idea for a (very) short story, that I wrote the first part of whilst squeezed in the dusty crevice between my bed and the wall.

Part of me feels like I should go back and attend to previous work, I’ve started that I intended to follow up, but haven’t quite got round to. (e.g. https://headdome.wordpress.com/2017/04/28/experience-what-ive-learnt/)

I’m not entirely sure what’s stopping me. I feel like I’m always lured in by the freshness of starting something new and clicking on that “Write” button.

(NB – I’ve just followed that link and realised part of what might be stopping me – just the fact that I’m mildly embarrassed by what past me has written/ how I’ve worded certain things. I don’t think that’s helping, because I feel reluctant to go back to something that makes me cringe even the tiniest bit.)

Maybe it would help if I found the previous parts, printed them off and bashed down some ideas by hand, instead of relying so comfortably on my laptop and what I can pull out of my head. I definitely feel like editing and annotating comes more naturally when I can scribble all over the page in different colours and things.

The other post that I feel has slightly got away from me is “NPC” – which was supposed to be a short story, but, at the moment, is just in the form of one actual post and one sort of side post which is a poem of a few of my notes on it compiled. I also have a couple of locked essays in my Drafts folder: one’s an unfinished reading of one of my favourite musicals and the others have escaped my memory at the moment, haha – must be good then, eh?

I feel like I’m learning all the time and I love the pool of work I’m exposed to here, if you’re reading this, thanks for your time :). Again, as with most of my prose posts/ notes on my poems, I’m not entirely sure of the purpose of this, except for a bit of a record of my thinking I suppose. Not everything has to have a proper purpose, right? And this is my space to write, so I should probably stop second-guessing myself, as I come to the close of the final paragraph liiiike this. (full stop.)

I’m off to sleep now :). Night :).

H